How to be a Super villain.

“How to be a Super Villain”

Nicole Bell

All the time we hear about super heroes and how cool it would to be one, but have you ever thought about being a super villain? There are many reasons to become a super villain, such as you get to laugh maniacally. Who doesn’t want to do that? Come on, you know you want to. Also have you ever noticed that the bad guys are never broke? Apparently being a villain pays pretty well. Another plus to being an evil super villain is that studies have shown that the women who hang out with evil guys are twenty percent hotter than the nice dude’s girl. Studies don’t lie.

For those of you who are now intent on becoming a super villain, here is how to get started; Firstly, a good super villain must have a background story. Think back to all your favourite baddies and you will notice they all have a reason for being evil. Super villains are just normal guys and girls until someone destroys the only thing they ever loved.

The next step is to choose a name, just imagine standing outside the national bank with millions of dollars at your feet, the police shaking in fear at your presence and Captain Freekin’ Awesome rocks up. Of course he is going to wonder who you are, and how are you going to reply? You can’t answer with ‘Mathew’ it just doesn’t strike fear the way a good name should, you will loose all respect! This means picking a name is crucial, pick some thing obvious, if you have a special super power use that. Think ‘Ice Master’ or ‘Commander of Fire’. Another way to choose your name is make it relate to a theme, if you like skulls why not have something to do with death?

Now you have a name, pick a trait that you will be known by. Maybe you want an obsession with a deadly animal? Or some hugely disfiguring scars? An obsession with animals leads to many opportunities when it comes to later torturing your victims, think tank of sharks or pit of snakes.

A costume is mandatory when it comes to super heroes and villains. You CANNOT be a super villain without a costume, this is final. Otherwise you are just another weirdo wearing spandex. People don’t take weirdos in spandex seriously.

When being a super villain, it is always a wise choice to have a theme. Remember the Joker and his clowns, and who could forget the ultimate evil being? The devil and his demons. This is an important step that all up and comers should remember. For example, maybe you shall choose to be the ‘Dealer of Death’, this opens up the option of dressing your henchmen as grim reapers, and also many other decisions can later be related back to this theme.

Ok, the next and possibly one of the most important steps, is finding some henchmen. What would an evil super villain be without his henchmen? You must strike so much fear into their hearts they are willing to follow your every command. This can be achieved by randomly killing one henchman in front of his fellows for something trivial. This is an understood risk to all henchmen and lies conveniently within the boundaries of the H.U.O. (Henchmen Union Ordinance) 75-9. Henchmen should be appropriately attired in uniform so they can tell the difference between themselves and other henchmen, this is handy in the middle of a big battle between you and another super villain. It is also handy when it comes time for the annual Evil Henchmen Thankyou Day Feast.

The next step to becoming a successful villain is to create a secret lair. Think elaborate and spectacular. You can relate your evil lair back to your theme, for the ‘Dealer of Death’ idea, you could use a giant skull. This serves multiple purposes, it helps to keep away those pesky Avon ladies and those little girl guides selling cookies. Your evil, you don’t do cookies! Also, when decorating your lair, make sure there are always plenty of henchmen around, who look like they are busy but never really do anything and add lots of dangerous looking machines, flashing lights and secret corridors. These help to create an appropriate atmosphere.

Now that you are mostly set up as a super villain, there are a few things you should remember in order to be successful. A super villain cannot be a super villain without an arch enemy to fight and spoil your plans for world domination. Super villains just aren’t complete without one final super hero battle. Plus having two people in spandex makes you normal in comparison. As a super villain, no matter how weak you are, as long as you have an impressive, new and imaginative plan, you will be a more than a match for any super hero. “But zero, Batman would kick my butt in two shakes of a stripper’s bum…” none of that matters as long as your plan is good. Don’t try to crash the stock market or bomb a government building as all this has been tried before and by people much less evil than you. Whatever you decide to do in the end, make it as big as possible. Think glamorous. Think Las Vegas. Another tip is to brood. As much as possible, it makes you seem intelligent. Also, if you manage to capture any prisoners, make sure to brag openly about your plan, just to rub it in a little. When killing your arch nemesis, make sure to make your plan as big and over the top as possible, make sure you leave him/her alone for as long as you can so you have no real way to tell if they are actually dead or not, always assume that they are. Before putting any plans into action their must always be an extremely flashy count down so you give your enemy plenty of warning. And remember to throw in that evil laugh as much as possible. (MWAHAHAHAHAHA!)

So now you know how to become a super villain, hopefully this will be enough to get you started on the road to evil. Have fun, and always remember to be your self, just a slightly different and more evil self. Think positive and remember, you ARE going to take over the world.


~ by Nikki on May 27, 2012.

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